Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
