LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
