yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
