All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
