She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
