I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
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