apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Randomize
