haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
its not stalking. its research.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
