Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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