farters have to be the big spoon...
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
