i just wanna soil my oats bro
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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