Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
i believe in u and ur pee
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