The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
