You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
