I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
