One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
