Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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