I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
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