1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
