I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Randomize
