Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
