I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
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