nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
