She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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