I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
