Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
