This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
