and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Randomize
