between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
ttyl tear gas
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
