you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
