You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
