omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Well I just put wine in my tea
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
