When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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