can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
