that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
