i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Randomize