I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
