It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize