Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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