I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
