I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
