i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
