I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
