it's too hot outside to masturbate.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
