you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
