We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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