Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I want a musical about memes.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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