Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
