I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
