If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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