Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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