he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
