So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
