I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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