"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
