"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
