The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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