rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Dear god my vagina.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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