its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
